Diamond David Beckham and the bleep test

By Myles Palmer


WEDNESDAY NIGHT will bring us a magnificently naff celebrity event starring your favourite Diamond Geezer.

The all-superstar friendly in Madrid features England, captained by David Beckham, promoted by David Beckham, team selected by David Beckham’s mentor Sven, and also featuring David Beckham’s pal Michael Owen.

England will wear the famous all-white kit, like Di Stefano, Puskas and all the legends of yesteryear.

Beckham and Posh will wear identical snow-white dresses.

Sven did a “news conference” today in which he said nothing for 15 minutes.

Fair enough. There is nowt to say about a game as inconsequential as this.

But Sven should have said, “Please watch. My viewing figures are a bit iffy.”

DAVID BECKHAM got sent off in 1998, won a treble in 1999, was unfit in 2002 after his metatarsal, and was unfit again in Euro 2004.

He could not run in Portugal. He cheated us and his team-mates.

He was ridiculously unfit. He could not run up and down. But he started every game !

That did not matter when England were beating duff teams like Croatia and Switzerland, but it mattered against France and Portugal.

I heard recently that England did a bleep test before Euro 2004, so that the staff would know the endurance of each player.

Endurance is vital in a multi-sprint sport such as football.

A bleep test is a series of 20-metre shuttle runs, where the athlete has to gradually run faster as the time between the bleeps is slightly reduced every 60 seconds.

Typically, there are 23 levels on the test, so the time between bleeps is reduced 22 times.

The least fit player in that bleep test, I gather, was David James.

The second least fit player, I’m told, was Beckham.


Don’t know. But I believed my own eyes : Beckham could not run in those matches. And since Beckham can’t dribble and can’t tackle, if he can’t run, he is useless and you are playing with 10 men.

So we were conned.

If the mainstream media are willing to forget that we were conned, fine.

REMINDS ME me of my girly day in Oxford last weekend.

We visited my neice, Claire, and Caroline’s activist pal Kierra. Our daughter and her friend Abi got the train from their uni and stayed the night with Kierra.

As we walked between the two colleges I saw a graffiti : DON’T TRUST THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA.

Fortunately, I read whatreallyhappened.com.

November 16th 2004.