Why England will never beat Germany again in our lifetimes

The friendly against Germany sold 86,000 tickets to folk from small towns and villages, who still care about Engerland, and corporates, who like a social evening.

That 2-1 defeat was a warm-up for another draw against Israel.

After Sven, the next England coach had to be somebody who has managed internationally before.

It could have been Hiddink but Guus is hip enough to know that our feral media would destroy Elizabeth, his girlfriend.

They could have hired Leo Beenhakker, who is working wonders with Poland right now. A bad night for Poland these days is a 2-2 friendly draw in Russia.

Beenhakker is 65 and has coached 20 teams, including Real Madrid twice and Holland twice. He took Trinidad & Tobago to the 2006 World Cup and gave England a scare, so he was right there in front of their eyes but they were too blind to hire him !

It could have been Scolari but Barwick bungled the timing of his approach because the FA always feels naked without a manager. If they don’t have an England coach for ONE DAY they feel naked and they panic.They think : WE ARE STARK BOLLOCK NAKED ! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ?

The FA, a.k.a The Farcical Association, should be a stage show in the West End. It would run longer than The Mouse Trap and might even transfer to Broadway, as The 39 Steps is doing.

Steve McClaren was dull at Middlesbrough and he’s dim now and programmed to fail. He is the main reason that nobody cares about England any more. If Micah Richards is our best forward in the first half, why switch him to centreback for the second ?

I’ve seen it all before in another millennium !

John Terry’s diagonal  pass into midfield was a pure Graham Taylor DO I NOT LIKE THAT! moment. Younger readers may not know that when Des Walker gave a similar pass to John Barnes and he lost the ball ( just as Beckham lost it here), Graham Taylor uttered that classic line, which became the title of that documentary when it came out on video. As a TV film it was Graham Taylor : The Impossible Job. As a video it was Do I Not Like That !

Also, we can’t beat the Germans because they take football seriously and have sensible tickets prices and wages that are generous but not obscene. Germany is a social democracy, not a deregulated carnival for capitalist cowboys and celebrity WAGS.

That 5-1win was a fluke. We’ll never beat the Germans again. You can quote me on that. We will never beat the Germans at football again because our country is too stupid to beat them. We will not beat them again in my lifetime or yours.

Any German team would beat us because they play as a team. It doesn’t matter that they don’t have good players because they play as a team. They beat us in Euro 96 without one good player! I was there. Then they beat the Czechs in extra time in the final when Bierhoff banged in that golden goal and everything stopped like a freeze frame with bodies lying on the field, every player knowing it was suddenly over. I was there. It was a weird, unique, unforgettably vivid polaroid moment to see a match ended by a goal, not a whistle.

I’m sure that Schalke would beat England 6-0 and Stuttgart would beat us 3-0. Duisburg would beat us 2-1 and even Hansa Rostock would give us a game.

 So talking about what the England eleven should be is pointless.

OK, I admit I did it for years, like everyone else.

Last week, while looking for something on ANR, which I didn’t find, I came across a piece entitled Would Carrick be a better partner for Gerrard ?

I couldn’t believe the year on it. What has changed since then ?